Were I am headed

So it has been such a long time since i have actually sat down and had the time to tell others how my life is different and has changed. I guess now is better then never right. I have changed so much from freshman year. I know that there are still good and bad things I have held onto ,but I don't resemble the same person and I don't believe all the same things I use to. I guess it is a slow running process of seeing Jesus handiwork in my life. I mean I am so excited to see where God takes me. He keeps putting things in my life that frankly I just don't want to interact with. He has changed my passion in my major and has changed the direction of what I thought being a missionary for Him would look like. What other person can take your dislikes and discomfort zones and make them into to major blessings that you could never have imagined. I feel so blessed that He cares enough about me to actually take the time to get me out of my comfort zone.
Ok so one of the things that God has really been working on in my heart lately is the fact that I do actually maybe one day might want to get married. I mean I am not all excited about the day happening or anything like that ,but I can now see it as a option and not a i will never be married situation that it was a year ago. Now some may think big deal ,but really this has been a major issue for me. I have grown up saying I would never get married. those that have known me long enough know that I have constantly said that I would not get married or have children. So this is a major change that God has been making in my life and that is why it is important. I guess this reason has also kind of dictated how my relationship with others plays out because if I don't want to commit to something then why commit whole heartily to a friendship. I think that is why I pushed people away so much. I tended to run away from them then deal with it. I guess not dealing with my problems has always been my strength. I don't know how to approach them. The reason this is all important is because it shows were I use to be and where I am heading. I defintely am in a transitoning phase in this part of my life ,but it is changing.
Also God tends to put me in situations I would rather not be in like, interacting with guys more and putting me in positions of leadership when I feel I am not ready or qualified to do it. He usually shows me that I don't have to be perfect to do His will. And that I am wrong for thinking that in the first place. It isn't like God is ever wrong, He knows what He is doing in my life.
The Lord has also been working in me to be able to look at situations that are not going great and still feel extremely blessed. I mean I feel blessed that God would take me out of my comfort zone!!! Two years ago I would have been so bitter that He would do this to me. I have come to love praying to God constantly. When I am walking to class, when I am in the car God has made me think of no better way to fill those quite times than to just take the time to talk to me. Prayer has been increasely important in my life. I am not eloquant in how I pray when others are around even less when it is just me and Him ,but He is using me instead of others that I think are more ready to proclaim His wonder. I know that the Lord hears me and that He is going to answer my prays on His terms.
You know what I hate the most about this? I have become a more open person from it. I actually like talking and interacting with people now. I cry so much more now then I did before,and it is out of joy and amazement of how marevelous the Lord is. I finally understand why our pastor would stop and cry in the middle of a message. Back then it made me uncomfortable now it brings me joy to see the passion my pastor had for Christ. And the worse of it is THIS: I love that I have changed to understand all these things and have opened up so much. I hated change so much senior year of high school. I mean how could God take so much away from me and not leave any comfort zone for me. I no longer had my pastor or youth pastor, I could not go to the college I wanted and my family life felt like it was falling apart. How could God close all the doors and windows that i wanted opened.I mean I had to chose these things that I thought would be mediocre. I can't believe how wrong I was in thinking that God didn't have it all planned out and that I could not just trust that he knew what he was doing. I wasted so much time trying to get into locked doors. It took me three years to realize that I was knocking on doors with nothing special inside of them and ignoring the small window that had so many blessings that I could not imagine even exsisted. This journey in essence was so important cause I now know what the Lord has given me and that nothing else but His will would have made me happier.
I really did not expect for God to put so many influences in my life. I have pulled so many amazing traits from them and learned oh so much words cannot describe. I mean the people God put in my life, wow, how could i have ever asked for more amazing people. Whether they were just passing friends for just a semseter or lifetime friends that I could never thought I would have. I was satisfied with people not knowing really who I was and hiding my feelings. Now I have friends and people I may not even know that well truly taking an interest in my spirtual life. I have changed in such a way that it has been so hard for me to contain my feelings. I guess that is why I am writing this cause I don't think I have truly told people where and how I truly am at this point in my life.(and also because words fail me most of the time, well in person) Yes, I am doing good cause I am so blessed to have God change me in such a way and give me amazing people in my life. I think that if I don't tell others where I am truly and how blessed I am to know each and everyone of them then I won't be able to truly express my gratitude to them or God. So thank you for being apart of God's blessing in my life and this is where God is leading me. This is were I am headed.

-Zofia